How to Divorce Your Business, Not Your Spouse
Your spouse deserves more than feeling like your life together is in “balance” with your work as a CEO.
He or she deserves a divorce.
Not the kind of divorce that too many CEOs find themselves staring down when they let the pressures and responsibilities of running a company overwhelm all other priorities.
No, maintaining a healthy marriage as a CEO requires periodic “divorces” between you and your company. These breaks from work can give high-achieving couples the space they need to focus on personal goals, recreation, family, and each other.
Here are five ways CEOs can be more intentional about prioritizing and protecting their most important relationships while still leading thriving businesses — plus a bonus challenge for CEOs who are willing to go the extra mile to Make Big Happen for the person who matters the most.
1. Invest in Your Spouse’s Dreams as Much as Your Own
It’s easy for CEOs to focus so much on how their jobs provide for their families that they forget how much family support they needed to earn the BIG job. While you were pouring your savings into your start-up or putting in extra hours on your way up the ladder, your spouse was likely making personal and professional sacrifices so that you could realize your dream.
So, flip the script.
Give your spouse that same support in an aspect of their life or career that they’re passionate about.
Be their exercise buddy. Join their book club. Accompany them to professional workshops and conferences. Support their entrepreneurial endeavors. Rearrange some household responsibilities so that they can earn the degree they need to take their career to the next level. Talk about your spouse’s hopes and dreams and discuss practical ways that you can help realize them.
And when your spouse hits a milestone on their personal or professional journey, celebrate that win just like you’d celebrate hitting a target at work. Treat your spouse to a surprise dinner at your favorite restaurant, or a long weekend at your favorite getaway. Publicly acknowledge your spouse’s accomplishment by sending flowers or their favorite lunch to their office, or invite friends and family over for a backyard party. Let your spouse, and the world, know that you’re equal partners who support each other and hitting BIG together.
2. The “Reverse Mentoring” Date
Continual learning is one of a CEO’s top five responsibilities. But when was the last time you learned something new about your spouse?
No matter how long you and your spouse have been together, you’re not the same people you were when you first met. Your perspectives and interests have likely evolved along with your life experiences, both separately and together. And if your current mode of “quality time” is brushing past each other at breakfast and dinner, you’re probably missing out on ways to deepen your understanding of your partner and strengthen your relationship.
“Reverse Mentoring” could add some interesting new dynamics to your relationship. Schedule your next date night around something that your spouse is passionate about or skilled in, and give them an opportunity to share what they know. You might attend a new museum exhibition and listen to your spouse’s crash course on their favorite artist. If your spouse just finished working through a new cookbook, plan a dinner that you can shop for and cook together, with you serving as sous-chef. Attend classes or workshops that your spouse teaches, or pitch in at the next volunteer event at their favorite nonprofit.
For a CEO, taking a break from being the one who “has all the answers” can be a refreshing exercise in both learning and humility. And for your spouse, “Reverse Mentoring” can demonstrate how much you truly value the person they are and the person they’re becoming.
3. Quarterly “No-Agenda” Retreats
How many conversations with your spouse have started with “We need to talk about …” lately?
How many of your recent travel plans have revolved around things that you “have” to do rather than things that you and your spouse “want” to do?
Probably too many.
Interacting out of necessity alone can drain a relationship of fun, spontaneity, and chances to be truly present with each other. Worse, you might slip into a rut where the only conversations you have are the tough ones around work and money.
If you feel like there’s an unspoken, unwritten agenda that’s taken over your relationship, throw it out. Every quarter, schedule a “No-Agenda” Retreat. Pick a locale, reserve a place to stay, and plan … nothing else! Don’t try to cram in all the touristy “have to’s” that can make travel feel like a productivity exercise. Explore a place you’ve never been before. Stay at an Airbnb and “live like a local.” Instead of organizing your days around tee times or conference calls, follow your curiosity to new experiences. You and your spouse might feel freer to just be yourselves and enjoy each other’s company.
4. The “Spouse Veto”
Overworked CEO sometimes forget that the ability to control your own schedule is one of the BIG perks of the job. Just as you have the power to call an emergency c-suite meeting at the end of the day, you also have the power to block off personal time for exercise, reading, or coaching your kid’s soccer team. Unfortunately, some of these blocks start to crumble when you’re in the middle of a BIG M&A deal or putting out a fire on social media.
Your spouse probably understands that, to an extent, CEOs are always on call, and sometimes you’re going to miss dinner for reasons that you really can’t control. But if you’ve lost control of your regular schedule, consider delegating a little control to your spouse by granting them “veto power.” The extra weekly meeting you’re thinking of establishing, the trip overseas to scout for new suppliers that’s going to bump up against vacation time, just how hands-on you’re really going to be during an AI upgrade — your spouse might have a better perspective than you do about how adding items to your to-do list is going to disrupt your family.
A “spouse veto” doesn’t necessarily have to alter your BIG plans for your business. But it might help you think about ways of accomplishing tasks that are better for your well-being in and out of the office. Send your COO to meet with suppliers. Hire a Chief AI Officer who can optimize your tech stack. Integrate action items into your current meeting rhythm. And maintain those blocks for morning runs and Sunday night family dinners.
5. Private “Life Board Meetings”
Comprehensive strategic planning is the single BIGGEST differentiator between good companies and great companies. The core planning principles of the Make BIG Happen System can also help you and your spouse be more intentional about your family and relationship goals. Once per quarter, hold a private “Life Board Meeting” where you and your spouse:
Ask yourselves The 4 Make BIG Happen Questions.
- What do we want?
- What do we have to do?
- What could get in the way?
- How will we hold ourselves accountable?
Challenge your core identity. What are your most important values, separately and together? Are you both living by those values? What is your family’s larger mission? What kind of an impact do you want to make on the world? What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind for your kids and your community?
Establish a 13-week march. Set long-term goals and short-term steps that build towards them. For example, if your long-term goal is to run a 5K together, block off time for a daily couple’s jog. If you want to buy a new house, review your household budget, set up meetings with realtors and your financial advisor, clean out the garage, and organize weekend brunch dates around home showings.
Hold yourselves accountable. Be each other’s support system and cheerleader. Drag your spouse off the couch when they don’t feel like hitting the gym. Ask how your spouse’s Spanish lessons are going and run through flashcards when you’re in the car together. Review how you’re both reigning in unnecessary spending as you pad your nest egg for an early retirement goal.
Bonus: The “Disconnect Dare”
How long could your company operate without you? A week? A month? Longer?
If your answer is, “Not very long,” then your company isn’t as strong as you think it is.
You’re lacking A players in key leadership positions whom you trust and to whom you can delegate executive-level responsibilities.
You don’t have systems in place that are spinning like flywheels and driving a consistent growth trajectory.
You haven’t mastered your supply chain or your cash flow cycle.
You’re not working on a business. You ARE the business. No wonder you’re struggling to make time for your life outside of work.
But if you are confident that you could switch off your phone and spend a month hiking through National Parks with your spouse or taking one last BIG family road trip before your oldest heads off to college, then take the “Disconnect Dare.” Take an extended break and go off on an adventure. Put your business leadership to the ultimate test while also sending an unequivocal message to your spouse:
“You and our family come first. And I’m going to keep putting in the work, at home and the office, to make more of these BIG moments happen throughout our lives.”
About CEO Coaching International
CEO Coaching International works with CEOs and their leadership teams to achieve extraordinary results quarter after quarter, year after year. Known globally for its success in coaching growth-focused entrepreneurs to meaningful exits, the firm has coached more than 1,500+ CEOs and entrepreneurs across 100+ industries and 60 countries. Its coaches—former CEOs, presidents, and executives—have led businesses ranging from startups to over $10 billion, driving double-digit sales and profit growth, many culminating in eight, nine, or ten-figure exits.
Companies that have worked with CEO Coaching International for two years or more have achieved an average revenue CAGR of 25.9%, nearly 3X the U.S. average, and an average EBITDA CAGR of 39.2%, more than 4X the national benchmark.
Discover how coaching can transform your leadership journey at ceocoachinginternational.com.
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